In the past few months I have been feeling a lot more positive about the reality of the boys' autism spectrum disorders. Maybe I am reaching the acceptance phase of grief/ diagnosis. Anyway, I feel more hopeful about their futures whereas a year or two ago I was very worried, especially about Ethan.
But a brief interaction at the Ear Nose and Throat Specialist's office today really made an impact on me.
We had to get Eli's ears and tonsils checked, and I had both boys with me today. We had been waiting for 40 minutes, so I was feeling stressed and edgy... Eli was leaping off chairs, climbing under chairs, repeatedly approaching the nurse saying "is it our turn yet?". Ethan was sitting on a chair pretending to be Ben the talking dog (iPhone app), flicking his magazine, throwing it on the floor and saying "hello hello" over and over, and generally acting a bit eccentric.
When we were finally ushered in, I tried hard to multi-task: attending to the doctor's questions and providing background information while attempting to keep a squirmy Ethan away from touching the doctor's computer and expensive equipment. At one point the doctor said "So, you have two children with autism? How did that happen?!" I was taken aback, it seemed a strange comment for a doctor to make and I paused while trying to figure out how to respond. I just said "I don't know..." I can't figure out what he was getting at, but for some reason those few words impacted on me, and I felt really flat leaving the office. Fortunately Eli does not need grommets inserted or a tonsillectomy, so that is a good outcome. But my flat mood is making me focus on the negatives, or the challenges of raising my boys with their different needs. I hate feeling like this, usually I am able to dwell more on the positives of autism.
I feel a bit annoyed with myself that a passing comment can have such an impact on my emotions. I must still be too over-sensitive to other people's perceptions of my children and my life.
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3 comments:
Love your post Jodi. I totally relate as just one random thoughtless comment from outsiders can turn my world upside down too.
Eg when I was arranging for Land to catch the bus to school some months back another school mum said " how do special needs kids handle the bus I wonder" I felt like saying.. well they sit on their butt on a seat and look out the window like regular kids!! Its like some people are hell bent on reminding us and pulling us down. Well to them it was an innocent remark and yes you wonder if you over react... I guess we do but for good reason and I think we always will.
Sounds like you have used the comment/ feelings that you went away with and put tyhem to good use by saying it loud and dealing with it ..so well done.
Cara xx
Well Jods, you gave the very best answer to that ridiculous question! That's the whole crux of the matter. We don't know why God has chosen to give you and Nathan the gift of these two adorable children- it's all part of the wonder of life. The reason belongs to God alone but He promises His abundant love, grace, strength and wisdom to cherish and nurture them and to deal with the thoughtless comments that fly like arrows. I love you and am so proud of you!
Mum xxxx
Thanks for your sweet and supportive comments Cara and Mum! It definitely helped to write down how I was feeling, strange how therapeutic writing a blog can be!
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